Steps

1. Learn what masking actually looks like: performing eye contact, suppressing stims, copying peers' behaviour, saying 'I'm fine' when they're not, laughing at jokes they don't understand, and holding in meltdowns until they're safe at home
2. Watch for the signs your child is masking: they're 'perfect' at school but fall apart at home, they seem exhausted after social situations, they mirror other children's behaviour rather than being themselves, or they've developed anxiety or low mood
3. Create explicit permission to unmask at home. Say it out loud: 'You don't have to pretend here. You can stim, you can be quiet, you can be yourself'
4. Reduce demands at home after high-masking situations (school, parties, family events). Their energy is spent, so don't add to the load
5. Talk to them about masking in age-appropriate terms: 'Some people feel like they have to hide the things that make them different. You don't have to do that with us'
6. Communicate with school about the masking toll. Share what you see at home and ask what they can do to reduce the pressure to conform during the school day

What you need

Understanding of what masking is, explicit verbal permission, reduced demands at home, school communication

Why it works

Masking uses enormous cognitive and emotional energy. Children who mask all day at school arrive home with nothing left, leading to meltdowns, shutdowns, and burnout that parents often mistake for bad behaviour. Creating a home where masking isn't necessary reduces the total energy cost of the day and protects long-term mental health. Research shows that sustained masking in autistic people is linked to anxiety, depression, and burnout.

Age guidance

Relevant from age 4 onwards. Younger children may mask instinctively without understanding what they're doing. Older children and teenagers can be involved in conversations about masking and may find it validating to have the concept named.

Real-world example

A parent noticed their daughter was 'perfect' at school (polite, quiet, compliant) but came home and screamed for an hour every day. The school insisted nothing was wrong. When the parent started saying 'You don't have to be perfect here. You can just be you,' the after-school meltdowns gradually reduced. She started stimming openly at home, something she'd been hiding for years, and her anxiety dropped noticeably within two months.

Troubleshooting

• Masking is not the same as being well-behaved. A child who is 'no trouble at school' may be masking at enormous personal cost
• Unmasking can look like increased meltdowns, more stimming, or more refusal. This is progress, not regression. They feel safe enough to stop performing
• Girls and children socialised as girls often mask more effectively, which delays diagnosis and support. Watch for internalised signs: anxiety, perfectionism, social exhaustion
• If your child doesn't recognise they're masking, they may have done it so long it feels like who they are. Gentle conversations over time help them distinguish 'me' from 'performing'