Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA)

Your child avoids everyday demands with extreme anxiety, even things they enjoy

Steps

Reduce the feeling of demand: use indirect language ('I wonder if...' instead of 'Please do...')
Offer autonomy and choice wherever possible
Use declarative language: 'The shoes are by the door' instead of 'Put your shoes on'
Reduce demands to the absolute essentials. Pick your battles carefully
Frame tasks as collaborative: 'Shall we do this together?' or as a game

What you need

A shift in communication style, patience, flexibility

Why it works

PDA is an anxiety-driven need for control, not defiance. Direct demands trigger a threat response in the nervous system. Indirect language, choices, and collaborative framing reduce the perceived demand, which lowers anxiety and makes cooperation possible without triggering the fight-or-flight response.

Age guidance

Relevant from age 3 onwards. PDA strategies need to be adapted constantly because children with PDA often resist any approach that becomes predictable.

Real-world example

A parent stopped saying 'put your shoes on' and started saying 'I wonder which shoes would be fastest today?' Their child went from a 30-minute battle to choosing shoes in 2 minutes. The demand was still there — it just didn't feel like one.

Troubleshooting

PDA is driven by anxiety, not defiance. Traditional behaviour management often makes it worse
What works on Monday might not work on Tuesday. Flexibility is key
Connect with PDA-specific parent communities for support and strategies